Travel: The Beat of a Different Drum
We each travel differently
(1) This article has a story behind it, connecting dots. Originally published on my parenthetically speaking site.
(2) This post will be a little long (like the security line at Newark airport on a Monday mid-day, according to this 2019 study: In a study by Upgraded Points analyzing the busiest 25 airports in the U.S., Newark is the clear loser, keeping travelers in security lines the longest. It suffers the worst average TSA waiting time, at 23 minutes, as well as the longest maximum waiting time: a full hour on Mondays at mid-day.)
( Dot #3) I missed most of the 80’s and 90’s (another story) and missed much of the music. So, when I was listening to Amazon music a few weeks ago, Matthew Sweet & Susanna Hoffs remake (2006) of Different Drum (a hit in the 1970’s by Linda Ronstadt, written by Michael Nesmith (of the Monkeys (hence when women sing the song with the phrase, “I’m not saying you’re not pretty” about the “boy” it makes sense)). Of course, the first two lines are reminiscent of Kevin Bacon and Steve Martin near the start of Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987, still a Thanksgiving highlight) eyeing and racing for the same cab on the day before Thanksgiving.
(I flew with (well, not “with” but across the aisle from) Kevin Bacon once from New York to Los Angeles. I tried to LinkIn with him so we would be less than six degrees separated, but it didn’t work out… I’m sure half of the world has tried. He was cool. Loved his boots.)
Anyway, the phrase, “You and I travel to the beat of a different drum” probably originated from Henry David Thoreau’s 1854 work, Walden (which, I cannot imagine what music must have been like in 1854 that would make me want to travel):
“If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears,
however measured or far away.”Henry David Thoreau, Walden
I rewrote (as Rod Thorn said, “Producers are always producing.”) a piece called the Travel Beat Down, (a copy writer friend suggested the mid-2020’s would not be a good time to post it with that name (I agree)) to “ The Beat of the Travel Drum “.
I miss the beat of the travel drum…
It starts with thinking
Searching and booking
Expedia, and 38 sites
Costs changing — by the click
Billions of fares getting calculated
Where am I going?
* Which airlines fly there?
* Which airlines fly there that I am a frequent flier of?
* Which airlines fly there that I am a frequent flier and doesn’t cost more than other airlines?
Or, how do airlines and hotels change getting loyalty points
When should I arrive?
When should I leave?
How do I deal with airport changes?
How do I deal with airline on-time performance?
What’s the weather going to be like?
Which seats?
* Front or back?
* Middle seat?
* Window or aisle?
* Exit row?
* Bulk head (front row)?
Hotel? Forget it for now
Car Rental? Nope. (80% happens closer to travel. No worry. Yet)
Who is traveling with me?
* No one?
* Good.
Insurance, or not?
Change penalties?
God help you if you have kids
And, the travel beat is just beginning
(Imagine if you don’t know what a seatbelt is… the last instruction is how to unbuckle it.)
Aren’t you missing the beat down?
Between airline and the day before I have to find a hotel
• How far from the airport?
• Which hotels do I belong to?
• Which hotels are closest to where I need to be?
• Does the hotel offer airport pickup?
• What’s the weather going to be like?
• Three-star, Four-star, No-star
• Pre-pay or pay on arrival?
• Priceline gamble?
• AirBnB?
• Hotels.com 1 free after 10 bookings?
• Free wi-fi?
• Breakfast included?
The travel beat gets closer…
The day before my trip
Packing at last
Carry on or checked?
Count out socks
Count out underwear
Count out pants, shirts, gym shorts, t-shirts and white socks
Pack shoes, and plan to wear workout sneakers on plane
Check the weather forcast
Check in 24 hours early to get a boarding pass (or on the Southwest boarding list?)
Rental car shopping
Ugh
Hertz, Enterprise, National, Budget, Sixt?
Where to park?
• At the terminal?
• In the parking garage?
• Take a train?
• Take a bus?
• Take an Uber or Lyft?
• Take a limo?
Gotta beat the travel drum harder
Day of departure: getting to the airport
Driving or Uber or Lyft? What did I decide last night?
Taxi or bus?
Parking or not?
Walking to the terminal. Stairs? Elevator?
Checking a bag?
Checking in?
Kiosks working, or not?
Who touched the kiosk before me?
Or, maybe I can do it all on my phone now!
People repacking bags
• in front of me
• with kids.
Got my boarding pass?
The travel beat gets louder
Alright, let’s tackle security (metaphorically)
Which line?
Regular?
Military?
Military-in-Uniform?
Ex-Military?
TSA-Pre?
CLEAR?
Elite?
First class?
Business Class?
Definitely no-class should be a line
What to do with your purse?
Prep for security check? Not too early
I got yelled at once for having my laptop out when entering the line!)
Drivers license?
• Yellow star? At some point, you need a yellow star?
• Whose idea was a yellow star? Did they not have a history class?
Boarding pass on your phone?
Phone battery low — how did that happen?
Thank goodness the TSA people aren’t trained by AT&T!
Drivers license out, boarding pass ready… GO!
Whew
Wait
Just kidding
What comes out of the bag? What stays in?
Laptop? iPad? Kindle? Battery pack? Camera?
I need a second tray. I need a third tray.
Liquids? Shaving cream? Massage oil? Handcream? Body lotion?
Hand sanitizer
Second laptop? Second phone?
Pockets: Got metal credit cards?
Better grab another tray
Glasses?
Jacket?
Over coat?
Belt?
Purse?
Sneakers? Shoes? Shoes with metal? Boots? Lace up boots?
Bones with screws?
Screw it.
And the beat goes on, And the beat goes on
Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain.
Getting to the gate
Repack my stuff
Fast
Before the bags start piling up on the conveyor belt
Good luck with that
Food on the plane, or not? Not any more.
How much time do I have before they start boarding?
Turn left or right?
Check the departures sign for the gate
Starbucks or McDonalds?
Or, navigate the new airport super mall?
Wheeling stand-up luggage on carpet?
(Why do airports still have carpet?)
Dunkin Donuts.
Everyone agrees
Coffee, sandwich, go
Go
Just go
Get to the gate
Put on the mask
They’re already boarding people who need help, but not you with your kids.
Military in uniform or not (airlines have different rules]
Bazillion milers
Million milers
Chairman-Level
First Class
Zone 1 (pause) through zone 9
Finally, you and your kids
I’m thinking, “What if the overhead bins are full?”
Instead of beating the drum, beat me now ~ this is insane
Wear the mask
Boarding the Boeing
Entering the Airbus
Long queue on the jet bridge
Overhead space looking slim.
It’s hot, or freezing
Thank good engineers for HEPA filters and circulating air
“Welcome Aboard”
Walking past the first class people
• with their orange juice, champagne, mimosa, coffee and
• wide seats.
• Talking, having a merry time.
• (or, maybe post-Covid, first class gets on last.
• Laughing. Chatting. Spreading out.
Overhead space in the back looking worse.
Figuring out which row on the plane.
Where is the seat number on the plane?
Where is the seat number on my boarding pass?
Lady with the dog on her lap. Probably boarded out of sequence.
Keep moving.
Ding.
Flight attendants announcing that the people still boarding are causing the flight delay
The haters hate from their seats.
Finally.
Get to my row.
Way in the back.
Who knew there were this many rows?
Overhead bins stuffed to the max.
Jackets spilling out and miscellaneous crap.
People sitting and stretched out with nothing at their feet.
Touching someone else’s bag is a crime, to some.
Some people just leave their bag in the aisle, waiting for a bag-fairy to show up.
Flight attendants keeping calm, herding cats
Asking, pleading, begging, cajoling, sweet-talking.
Finally
Space appears
I’m exhausted (but start looking (staring) at the people in the seat next to me).
Bag up (unlike others who cannot lift their life-time possessions they can’t travel without.)
Aisle passenger has to get up so I can drop to my awesome middle seat
Up they go.
Come on, they can do it.
Yes.
Finally.
Contortions complete.
Middle seat. Whew. Awesome.
A clown to the left me, a joker to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.
You can’t beat the travel drum fast enough…
In my seat
Call the spouse, or send a text?
Whoops, panic list of calls to make instead
Last inbox check
Last text check
Selfie and Facebook posts
More announcements to drown out your call
Window seat guy claimed the arm rest.
… And my seat belt is buried
Buckle up.
Finally.
Everyone aboard
Front door closed
All packed in like rolled anchovies.
Movement.
The plane is crawling.
Safety procedures check
Life vest check
Oxygen mask check
Water-landing check
How to lock a seatbelt check
How to unlock a seatbelt check
How to tighten a seatbelt check
(Imagine if you don’t know what a seatbelt is… the last instruction is how to unbuckle it.)
Aren’t you missing the beat down?
Traveling
Still fighting for the arm rest
God forbid the 6’6” guy in front of me reclines his seat
Or if I do
Get my iPad out
Power or no power?
USB?
Cigarette adapter? How old is this plane?
Left the cord in the bag.
Overhead bins.
Food or no food?
Drinks?
One per six hours of flight.
How often the flight attendant shows up.
Read the menu.
Different menu
…if the flight is under 2 hours and 10 minutes,
…on weekends,
…going to Mexico or
…the wrong catering truck showed up.
Smelly food from someone who brought on a pizza,
…or chicken left-overs.
…or a warm egg sandwich.
Passengers who take off their shoes
…with no socks.
…and put their feet on the wall
…or on the seat in front of them
Coughing. Hacking. Removing their mask to sneeze. Seriously.
Multiply all of that times infinity if you’re a germaphobe.
Man, I miss the beat of the travel drum.
November 17, 2020. Dedicated to my friend, Matthew Massengale, a fellow traveler. Today, Matthew left this earth to march to the beat of a different Drummer.
Originally published at http://parentheticallyspeaking.blog on November 17, 2020.
Photos copyrighted freepik.com unless otherwise indicated.
